


Whispers

by arcanebf



Series: It's Just an Email [2]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst, Drinking, M/M, Matteo POV, Smoking, Trans Character, Trans David (DRUCK), Trans Male Character, dumb boys, i'm trying here i rly am, there's some soft stuff here and there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-24 09:45:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18568858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcanebf/pseuds/arcanebf
Summary: Matteo thought of Adam.He thought of maybe in eternity, he thought how he wasn’t drowning alone, how the salt water that stung his lungs didn’t just sting his lungs. He wanted to know what maybe in eternity meant to Adam, what it meant in general. Matteo thought how he could have thought of a better name than Luigi, but it was too late to go back now. He tried to picture who Adam might be at school, he wondered if it was anyone he knew, or if it was a stranger. Someone completely outside his orbit. He fell asleep thinking of what Adam might look like.





	Whispers

**Author's Note:**

> here's pt. 2 !! idk how many parts this is going to be, we'll just see how it goes, how it flows. i hope everyone is enjoying this ride with me

Night’s were always hard for Matteo, either he slept too much, or he didn’t sleep enough and this night was a sleepless, tossing, turning kind of night. He was just trying to get his brain to shut off for a minute, even just a couple seconds. His mind just raced with every thought that he pushed back to the depths of his mind during the day. Eventually, Matteo did cave and rolled a joint, deciding that a little help wouldn’t be bad. It would make bearable. Make everything fuzzy enough so he could focus on one thing, he’d focus on Adam. His name probably wasn’t Adam, but that’s what he had called himself.

Matteo thought of Adam.

He thought of maybe in eternity, he thought how he wasn’t drowning alone, how the salt water that stung his lungs didn’t just sting his lungs. He wanted to know what maybe in eternity meant to Adam, what it meant in general. Matteo thought how he could have thought of a better name than Luigi, but it was too late to go back now. He tried to picture who Adam might be at school, he wondered if it was anyone he knew, or if it was a stranger. Someone completely outside his orbit. He fell asleep thinking of what Adam might look like.

When he woke up, eyes barely open, blindly reaching for his phone, he fumbled and clicked on the first playlist that appeared on his Spotify recents. Reckless Love by Bleachers started, tinny and distant from his phone speakers. A playlist cycling through different songs, all reckless, all dreaming. A playlist full of music that someone could run away too. Or maybe fall in love too. It took Matteo thirty, maybe forty minutes to open his eyes fully. Lids sticky with sleep, heavy with sadness. It felt like they were glued shut with salt water, eventually he managed to get them open. Blinking and angry at the bright sunlight coming in through his window. He pushed past it though.

Matteo propped himself up on his elbows when he finally woke up, reaching for his phone once more to pause the music, but he stopped himself. Amongst the WhatsApp, Instagram, and Snapchat notifications there was a Gmail notification.

Matteo felt his heart pick up, beating just a little quicker now. He tapped the notification, reading the preview.

 

**RE: THE WAVES**

_Hey Luigi,_

_Please tell me your name isn’t actually Luigi because I think I may have to stop talking to you then ;)_

 

He quickly swiped across his screen and opened the email, he needed to know what came next.

 

 **FROM:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **TO:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **DATE:** March 25 at 9:54

 **SUBJECT:** RE: The Waves

 

_Hey Luigi,_

_Please tell me your name isn’t actually Luigi because I think I may have to stop talking to you then ;)_

_No, I’m kidding. I’d know if there was someone who went to our school named Luigi, I feel like that’d be an endless source of ridicule._

_Being open is hard, thank you for being open with me. You don’t have to be eloquent, just be honest, Luigi. I promise I’ll be honest too._

_I think the drowning feeling has subsided a little._

_As for maybe in eternity… There’s this movie called Only Lovers Left Alive, if you watch it you’ll get what it means._

_A stoner who likes grilled cheese? You sound like every stoner out there, but I’m guessing since you love it so much to make it a sign off on a coming out post you must be the most brilliant grilled cheese chef there is in the world. Care to share some cooking tips?_

_\- Adam_

 

Another held breath left Matteo’s lips as he sank back into his blankets, letting his phone fall to his chest, holding it close to his heart. How could someone be so brilliant after two emails? How could Matteo feel as though nothing else in the world mattered after two emails? He could stay in his bed with this email for hours.

The phone vibrated on his chest and he sighed, being pulled out of his imagination. The only thing in his head was Adam until then. He checked, it was more texts, at least they were in the groupchat, right? He could feasibly ignore those even if he opened them.

 

 **Jonas**  
_What’s the plan on this fine Saturday boys?_  

 **Carlos  
** _Kiki and the girls are throwing a party at the apartment tonight!!_

 **Abdi  
** _Oooh??? At Matteo and Mia’s?_

 

Matteo’s stomach dropped as he remembered that there was indeed a party that he had forgotten entirely about. He really needed to put his foot down about all the parties, it was too much for him. Parties made him feel like he was being dragged further away from the surface, he would just about break water, he’d be so close to being able to breathe air instead of water and then they’d throw a party and he’d be dragged back down by the darkness that so desperately wanted to claim him as its own. Matteo didn’t want to reply, he wanted to cancel the party, do something that’d be a cry for help. He wanted his friends to throw him a life ring, to dive in after and save him, he just… Didn’t know how to express that to them.

 

 **Matteo  
** _Could you all help set up then?_

 

 **Jonas  
** _Good morning little one :) Someone’s up early for a Saturday  
_ _We’ll come_

 

 **Carlos  
** _We’ll bring the alcohol and you got the weed?_

 

 **Abdi  
** _Don’t lose it this time bro!!!_

 

 **Matteo  
** _Of course ;)  
_ _Do you know all who’s coming?_

 

 **Carlos  
** _The girls, us, Hans, Linn, Sara and Leonie, probably a few of their friends too  
_ _The crew & co._

 

 **Matteo  
** _Cool. See you tonight._

 

Matteo didn’t know how he continued throughout the day, everything happening at him again. He wanted to sit up and write a response to Adam, all he wanted to do was talk to the other boy, but he didn’t have the energy. After the party, he’d reply to Adam, he promised himself. He had too. Maybe the boys weren’t his life ring, but Adam understood, he knew what it felt like to have salt water in his lungs.

 

* * *

 

Finally, finally the night came and the boys burst into the apartment with two big cases of beer and assorted hard liquors. Matteo didn’t want to know how they got it. It was here and that’s all that mattered. Jonas, Carlos, and Abdi were decked out in… Tinsel? Gold and silver strands of plastic, stars, moons, suns, there were even balloons.

“Is all of this necessary?” Matteo laughed, shaking his head as his friends set down the loot on the coffee table.

“Of course,” Jonas’ face was dead serious, party decorations were the most important thing in the world apparently. “We need to jazz up the place, remember the neon party?”

All the muscles in Matteo’s body tightened at the thought of the neon party, glow sticks and loud music, people touching him when he didn’t want them to touch him. “Yeah, sure, whatever. Uh… Since the last party, not that this’ll actually work, but we bought a big plastic bin and all empty bottles are going to hopefully end up in that. Minimize clean up tomorrow.” The boys all saluted Matteo with a range of “sir, yes, sir”s coming from them.

The faintest smile pulled at Matteo’s lips. His friends were stupid, but well meaning. Decorations were put up, the lights turned out and the faint glow of string lights filled the apartment. Music started and suddenly his place was full of people. Matteo’s body was full of substances before they had all gotten there, it took the edge off, but still, there were so many people.

Matteo sat in the corner of his apartment, watching the door, praying no one else would show up. He just wanted this over more than anything. Someone handed him another drink, he looked up and saw Jonas.

“C’mon, Luigi!” Jonas whispered, and Matteo’s heart stopped for a moment. Was Jonas _Adam_? Thankfully, his brain worked quickly to fill in the blank. Jonas was the one who so fondly nicknamed him Luigi. Of course he wasn’t Jonas. He didn’t want to even entertain the idea that Adam might be Jonas, he had gotten over those feelings long ago. Or well, maybe not that long ago, but as soon as he was able to think the words about his feelings, he realized that he didn’t actually feel that way about Jonas. It wasn’t Jonas.

“Lighten up,” Jonas whispered still, speaking only so Matteo could hear him. “Drink some more, dance with us!”

Matteo took the beer and nodded slowly before downing half of it in one go. The familiar buzz came back to his head, he felt lighter already. And he knew that Adam couldn’t be Jonas. He started to dance with his friends, he bumped hips doing a little dance with Sam and they laughed. He wrapped his arms around Hanna’s shoulders, they swayed to a slow song by some pop artist. Matteo even made an attempt at voguing with Hans. It was unlike him, but he was enjoying himself for once. A point came when he found himself needing some air though and he excused himself outside, it was a beautiful night. Chilly but not too cold. His eyes settled on the view outside his apartment, lights twinkling in the distance. He heard the beat of the music coming from inside, he could feel it try to reach him through the glass but he was out here. The breeze washed over his body.

“Matteo?” A low, soft voice spoke beside him causing him to jump a little. He turned and saw David sitting on the balcony next to him.

“How… How long have you been there?” Matteo asked, throat dry. He felt bad for ignoring him. Matteo didn’t know David that well, they mostly had passing conversations, brief how are you’s and have a nice day’s exchanged between them. David was mysterious, he had dark eyes that bore into Matteo’s soul, but not in a prying way that so many others did, more curious, more cautious. Matteo looked at him the same way, though he’d never admit it to himself, much less outloud.

“For a while, actually,” David laughed, standing up so he met Matteo’s gaze. “How are you?”

“I’m okay, overwhelmed I think. But I don’t feel it.”

“Gotcha. Have you had any water?”

Matteo shook his head.

David held up his finger, as if to say ‘wait right here’ and the boy slipped inside the apartment. Matteo slumped back against the balcony railing and stared into his kitchen, his eyes following as David navigated through the people. Matteo is enraptured, he thinks he’d be content just watching David for the rest of his life. Everything about David has always drawn him in, like he can never get enough of the other. He never wants to get his fill. He’d gladly drown in whatever David would offer him. Matteo noticed how he moved gracefully through the crowd back to where Matteo was leaning, two glasses of water in hand.

“Drink up.”

Matteo nodded, doing as he was told. He finished the glass in seconds.

"Thirsty tonight, huh?”

“I think I’ve only had alcohol so… Yeah. When did you arrive? I didn’t see you come in.” Matteo was disappointed in himself. He never missed David, even though they hadn’t spoken that much, any time he passed David at school the world slowed down around them. Smiles were shared, eyes met, David was the only one that Matteo even dared share eye contact with some days.  

“Maybe an hour ago, needed some air after a while though.”

“Cool, cool. Looks like people are having a good time. I’m not really looking forward to clean-up though.”

“Are you always on clean-up duty?”

"No, but usually it’s my mess so…”

“Ah. I see. Hopefully it’s not too bad then.”

Matteo just nodded in response, waiting a moment. He watched David, or maybe it was just staring at him. His gaze was focused on his eyes, how the breeze made his hair float. Matteo felt the urge to run his hand through it, but he stopped himself before he did anything he’d regret. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

“Mmm, I think so. Leonie dragged me along.”

Matteo felt his heart sink just a bit.

“Ah, well, you should dance some. It helps.”

“Maybe another time,” David grinned at him, it almost seemed like he knew something. Matteo didn’t know how to interpret that, deciding to chalk it up to his inebriated state. Music pulsed from inside the apartment, a bouncing, lively beat that didn’t quite reach the quiet that protected David and Matteo.

“Did you see that post?” Matteo asked finally, after what felt like an eternity of silence. A lifetime of just staring into David’s eyes and wondering what he hid behind them. They had been each other’s circles for a while, always passing, getting closer, closer, but not close enough to actually meet.

“The drowning one? Yeah. I understood him, whoever he is.”

 

* * *

 

 **FROM:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **TO:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **DATE:** March 26 at 2:17

 **SUBJECT:** Parties

 

_Hi Adam,_

_Do you ever avoid talking to people because it feels like you’ll just choke up salt water instead of words?_

_We had a party at my apartment and I talked with my friends, I danced with my friends. (Which I never do? But something made me feel like dancing?) I hate parties though. I hate them so much, or maybe I’d like them if I felt like I could breathe. But I don’t think I can._

_I think everyone’s gone now, most of them left a while ago, I know my boys are crashed on my couch, my best friend is passed out in my bed, and that’s fine. I think it’s sweet. I also think I almost blurted it out to him today, I don’t even know why. I think it was the alcohol._

_I’m not sure. I did talk with someone, that reminded me of you. He’s mysterious, his voice sounds like honey. He probably hated talking to me, I mumble all the time because well, you know._

_I haven’t been able to get you out of my head funny enough. I think I’m just stuck on the idea that someone gets me, I don’t think I’ve ever had that before._

_RE: What you said in your last email - I will make sure to watch that movie when I am not…. Like this lol. I am a brilliant chef and maybe someday you’ll just have to find out for yourself because a chef never reveals his secrets :)_

_Best, Luigi_

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you think ! crit is great, please leave kudos and comment, it's greatly appreciated <3  
> if you wanna follow me on tumblr i'm @filmictrans


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